She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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