I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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