Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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