we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
