Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
