The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
