After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
