Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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