You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
