Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
