first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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