I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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