Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
