just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
