Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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