Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
