I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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