i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
