ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
