hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
