Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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