You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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