I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
