This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His nipple licking is glorious
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
