Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
