god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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