He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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