you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
