She just used a chaser for red wine.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
