haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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