is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this boner is exhausting
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
