He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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