I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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