I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
