Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
