wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
