**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
