My nipple is on Facebook.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
