her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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