saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
do herpes really smell.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
