Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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