All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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