Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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