i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
