I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I am spending my child support on dildos
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
