i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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