hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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