I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
