Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i love accidental penises.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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