i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
