420 ftw
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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