Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
