Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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