if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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