I'm pants shitting drunk right now
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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