She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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