This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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