i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
