so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize