OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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