I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
