How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We're too hungover to prance.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
