i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
