so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
