he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
