Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
